broken.

I broke up with him.
First off, I'm okay. It sucks, it hurts and some days are worse than others, but I know it's for the best and I made the right choice for me.

I don't even know what I want to say about it. He's a really fantastic person, and I wish he could see that in himself instead of assuming the worst possible outcome.
In my experience eventually if you believe hard enough that you're worthless and undeserving then everyone else will believe that of you too, then your worst scenario becomes reality.
Me believing in him never seemed to convince him though. But that's not what the issue was.

I really do miss him. And there are days when I just want to call him or have him next to me. But it wouldn't make the situation any easier because I don't want to get back together. And selfishly wanting him in my life while not giving him what he wants isn't fair to either of us.
For a long time I've been able to stay close with the majority of my past relationships (one committed and a few casual) but I don't know about this one.
It's his birthday tomorrow so I'll give him a text and see what happens.

"this is my favourite..."

I found myself in a sex shop last night.
Not that this was my first, but not that I'm a regular customer.
It was a mix of curiosity getting to this little cat and maybe a little sugar rush. And okay maybe I've been secretly waiting to be outside one when someone says "I've always wanted to go in there...". Strength in numbers, buddy system and all.

It wasn't the classiest of shops, I'm not sure if that's something they're going for but I feel if I owned one I'd make it classy. More of a boutique than something with boarded up windows and a complimentary (and necessary) bottle of hand sanitizer on the way out.

I was with a friend and besides the shop clerk (a friendly girl with too many past-the-point-of-closing-over facial peircings) we were the only people there. With all the anatomically correct body parts though it felt like we weren't alone, but as two thirds of the people in there making noise without the press of a button ("this one has multiple speeds") we tried to keep our comments to silent nods and knowing looks.

Something about the subject of the store had me moving at a faster pace than my curiosity would like, but at the same time I knew too long of a linger is an open door to an awkward sales pitch that I didn't have the desire to deflect without seeming prude-ish (prunish).
But when the linger came and I actually picked something up, the eagerness in the sales pounce was enough to scream "FINALLY NOT A MAN I CAN SELL-TALK TO WHO WON"T BE LOOKING DOWN MY SHIRT AND ASKING IF I MODELED FOR THE PRODUCT HES ABSENT-MINDEDLY STROKING". On the other hand it had me wishing I had done my research. I'm not one who goes out looking for a face to face lecture on the pros and cons of one vibrator versus another. I also was not in a place where I was mentally, emotionally or physically prepared to have another female pass me a vibrating replica of a certain male piece of anatomy into my hand and look into my eyes expectantly for my reaction and comments.
I feel like I held my own though, curious without being too pervy or waaay to personal, interested without misleading her into empty hopes of a sale.

Then, with our curiosity filled, and maybe one or two things added to the wish list, we made our excuses of melting slushies waiting in the car, and made our retreat.

Status Change

I am a girlfriend.
Hasn't happened officially for about 8 years and I am scared.
Basically the fear has come from my own downward spiral of paranoia that I can't handle a relationship and am not built for it.

It has nothing to do with the guy. He's patient, loyal, funny, laid back, driven, giving and fun.
I can't complain about anything he is or does.

Well I could, but there's nothing I can't accept about him.
Accepting him accepting and liking all my flaws is something I need to work on.

peectures

 always jumping

goodbye sweet summer

 home.

mack

ruler of all
he who lies in wonder
the earth, the sky, my heart, his home
never pausing with doubt, never starting with fear
his family, my family
my brother, my boo

don't do this...

1. Date a boy who owns a cat.
if he happens to live in a house that is co-habitated by a cat then that's okay.
I don't see the need to explain this one, cats are bitches. and no one wants to date a bitch.

delish!

2. Order pasta on a first date
or sushi (even though it's extremely tasty and highly addictive), especially if you can't use chopsticks.
pasta and sushi are not eaten in a sexual way and you will spend the majority of your date starring at the plate, awkwardly trying to consume your food, hoping you don't have sauce on your face and praying you don't choke on rice.
Tapas bars are the best choice, sharing and conversation friendly!



3. This should be a given, but don't date someone who smokes.
unless you smoke, in which case spread the lung cancer love (to each other, I don't want none of that shiz)

4. Movie theatre for a first date.
unless it's a marathon of your favourite director and he brought all your fav treats.
because that's just too cute to reject.
but movies=no talking and awkward avoidance of touching.

5. Buy pantyhose is a size you THINK you are
if at no other time, be honest with yourself on this one.
you're just going to feel fatter with that unforgiving waistband separating your midsection into "muffin" and "top"






6. Leave birth control to chance
no glove? no love
unless you're trying to have a baby, in that case do the opposite.

addiction

food
nicotine
aspartame

Lately it seems like I've been discussing addictions a lot.
I interviewed a girl yesterday for the school paper who won a thousand dollars for having quit smoking.
Where's the thousand dollars for people who stop over eating?
Or drugs?

Addiction is a tough thing to fight, and it's a personal fight.
You're alone with your addiction in your own mind.
It's not just a test of physical strength, you have to be so set in your will to conquer it to be able to stop.

Then once you do, your addiction takes it's toll on your body.

Having never been addicted to a drug or substance I'm not sure how easy or difficult it is to find help.
Or support.
It would seem that if you're an addict to a drug or substance that you would be surrounded by people who are also addicted.
How do you get support to quit from other addicts?
I know my brother has had a tough time quitting smoking, and while he has support on the home front, he also has his posse of cigarette encrusted friends.

So when you're addicted, you might be able to walk away from the drug, but can you walk away from your friends?